1.19.2015

that time i walked away from everything and the world kept on spinning.

So one day the universe was like, Let's hit a point where we kind of figure out where things are going, how does that sound? And I was like, Kayyyy but after this episode of Sherlock. Cut scene to two years later and that episode morphed into full-blown seasons and I'm sheepishly peeking out from under my quilt and the universe is tapping its foot and looking at me sooo judgmentally. So obviously I haven't been the greatest human I can be and no amount of broken hearts (sigh) and pointless jobs (grrr) can excuse that.

When I tell people I'm moving to Montana to write (ps I'm moving to Montana to write) it's a little nerve-wracking but my mindset is that I actually don't care whether they understand why because it's been a long time coming and for the first time in 5 years I feel like I know what I'm doing. Can't deny your inner voice. Especially when your inner voice is your sister.

I think a lot about the kind of writer I want to be, in the published sense. I was at the grocery store recently when two indigents of the Jazzi scooter persuasion rolled up to a book display. The male-ish looking one screeched in utter disbelief and ecstasy, "Anne Rice has a new book??!!!11?!" Shiz got real in that moment, yo. If these people--yes, that's as judgy as it sounds, if not more. If only you could fully comprehend my capacity for judgment--could be motivated to read something by someone who can actually write, then we might have something here. My number one fear is being seen as a Stephenie Meyer. How terrible is that? I'm sure she's weeping into her millions of dollars about it. F'real though, I'm sensitive about my writing, more than any other aspect of myself. It's probably why it took me so long to get to this point. But I have ideas and I've been taught by some amazing people how to use them. I met up with my high school AP English teacher/friend this past Saturday. I've always looked up to her and she's a master at keeping it real, and she was really encouraging. As she said, Why the hell not?

So that is my mantra. Along with, You can always go home, and There's always show business.