So I lied about that whole "that's all for today" thing. Sleep is not happening tonight, apparently. I could tell you all so many things right now but all I can really piece together from the warbling word vomit of my brain is how much I don't like talking about my job.

People ask me what I'm doing these days, post-lawfirm, and I cringe inside. My job is pretty boring and I know I sound boring talking about it. Real estate investments don't exactly appeal to the general public's most tantalizing dreams and desires. Although I will say that it is incredibly thoughtful of my job to keep me busy 8-5, something the law firm never provided. And hopefully I'm getting better at helping the investors (aka "the kids") and communicating with everyone what needs to happen to keep said kids happy. But to talk about what that actually entails? I feel like I have to casually throw into the conversation the fact that I have a (nonexistent) affinity for Israeli martial arts or my (not-actually-planned) plan to travel to Bangladesh to care for orphans, just to ensure they know that I'm not the boring person my job makes me out to be.

Although, some days I walk out of work feeling like I've done a great job, I know my purpose and how to fulfill it, and I'm all

But most days I read the first email of the day and

just.can't.even.

So there's that. Finding a balance has been difficult. It doesn't help that the company is growing tremendously (which I know isn't something to complain about, honestly) and it seems like there's more work than people in the company or hours in the day to complete it all.
And then you have The Accountant, who is just so dang adorable but, srsly guise, it's just not going anywhere. What can you do with two extremely shy and introverted people? Not to mention that there are whisperings abroad that he is somewhat into musicals, which I try not to be judgmental towards people about, but really I don't try that hard these days.

And then these people (these people=random coworkers) want to have in-depth conversations with me about their lives and sometimes I wonder when they actually find time to work, and I smile and nod but inside am just like

I'm not really friends with anyone like I was at my last job. (Those were some awesome coworkers, no joke. They could tell me their life stories any day. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, RACHEL/NATALIE/SAM.) In reality (reality=outside of work) I'm not the fake person my job makes me out to be. But I guess that's what you get when you are stuck doing something day to day that isn't you, doesn't say anything about who you are. Every day does become somewhat of an act until you find something that you can say with confidence and no fear of boring someone, I am a ________________.

I know I'm describing pretty much anyone ever. And I've heard tell of some people who are content with what they have, which I envy. But I can't help thinking there is something better for me, no matter what those people say.

They don't think it be like it is, but it do.

lie to me.

you're wasting all your time here
riding around in the sun
alone and idling
come wander back to me
you know i'll always be there

lie to me, lie to me
make like you love me
lie to me, lie to me

with this one you never go
and this one you never show yourself
with this one you tell it all
and turn your world into a ghost town

lie to me, lie to me
make like you love me
lie to me, c'mon it's easy

don't think of what we can't be
i know what you need and you know that you like it
the name you were born with
your soul on your sleeve
let me believe in something

top ten tuesday: after dark

I'm one of those people that comes awake at night. No, not in a mistress-of-the-night, vampire way (weirdos), but more in a, hey-my-creative-energy-is-going-crazy-let's-go-bunjee-jump-off-a-bridge-and-then-paint-a-masterpiece-before-exploring-the-tunnels- running-under-Salt-Lake-City kind of way. Kind of.

But luckily I'm able to control most of my nighttime impulses and have found more acceptable ways of channeling this energy. These are pretty tame in comparison to what actually runs through my mind.

Example:

Thought: Fly to Paris and take a class in French pastry.
Action: Make my own version of mille feuille with puff pastry, custard, and nutella.

Thought: Write a novel.
Action: Write the beginnings and plot lines for hundreds of stories.

You get the idea.

Top Ten Tuesday: Favorite Things to Do After 10 pm.

1. Bake Amish oatmeal while listening to A.A. Bondy.
2. Drive around on Bacchus with the windows down and the music up. Some high school habits never die.
3. Write the beginnings of stories. Fifty-six and counting...
4. Go star-gazing in the mountains.
5. Look for the "elf house" in Copperton.
6. Go to some late-night place after a show and let it all sink in.
7. Sit outside on my deck and listen to the river and the crickets.
8. Plan trips to exotic places that would cost tens of thousands of dollars.
9. Start reading a new book.
10. Oh and sleep. I do that, in addition.

total squeeee and other serious matters.

Jane Eyre. Hence the squeeee. Yeah yeah yeah, I've written about it before. Does not change the fact that Mr. Rochester's got it goin' on, yaknowwutimsayin. What is it about Gothic (not goth, judgers) romance that enthralls so many people? Spirits speaking to spirits, souls being destined for each other...exactly the kind of thing that in "real" life doesn't make the grade, or even a minor appearance. Or at least doesn't seem too. And that's one thing that I love about that book. Jane Eyre's character and personality make their relationship possible, because she not only believes in being guided by an unseen spiritual life that tells her "Yeah he's the one; see how he looks at you as if he knew your soul before it was written?" BUT she is equally guided by a grounded moral code of self-esteem and unbending ethics. Chyeah. She's my homegirl like that.

My realistic sense kicks into overdrive on these matters until I'm left staggering with how cavalierly I treat the topic of soul mates and how they're so unrealistic. But deep in the darkest recesses of my soul I hope and think






















We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

My greatest hope is that I'll find someone who understands me--and lets me understand him--without trying. That's also my greatest fear.